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Elizabeth and John Homrig got their marriage back on a healthy track at a recent Yellow Ribbon event. With the help of some on-site chaplains, they were able to confront some unresolved issues and renew their commitment to each other. (Courtesy of Happy Photos)
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Righting the Relationship: Couple gets marriage back on track at Yellow Ribbon event
Posted 9/27/2012 Updated 9/27/2012
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special To Citizen Airman
Air Force Reserve Command
9/27/2012 - Citizen Airman/Oct. 2012 -- (Editor's note: Maj. John Homrig is chief of the Strategy Plans Team for the 310th Space Wing's 9th Space Operations Squadron at Vandenberg Air Force Base, Calif. He and his wife, Elizabeth, ran into some relationship problems when he was deployed just a few weeks after their wedding. Following is Homrig's account of the problems he and his wife were having and how a Yellow Ribbon event helped them right their relationship.)
I met my wife Nov. 14, 2008, during Air Force Week activities in Beverly Hills, Calif. Over the next 2 1/2 years, we grew increasingly close, and on July 1, 2011, I asked her to marry me. She accepted, and we were married the following Monday -- the Fourth of July -- in Las Vegas.
At the time of our marriage, I was scheduled to deploy to Afghanistan in less than a month. This proved to be a bigger challenge to our relationship than I would have ever expected.
Both of our families have long-standing ties to the military - both Army and Air Force on my side and Army on hers. While I am a traditional Reservist in the Air Force Reserve, she is a traditional Guardsman in the Air National Guard. In addition, we both work full-time for the Department of the Air Force as civil servants.
We are strongly patriotic, and we decided to get married on the Fourth of July in Las Vegas because we felt there could be nothing more American than starting our new life together on Independence Day in the uniquely American "wedding capital of the world" at the World Famous Little White Chapel. It was an awesome experience that we were able to share with people of all backgrounds and walks of life visiting the Las Vegas Strip.
Las Vegas is an amazing example of how anyone from anywhere can fit in and have a good time.
About three weeks later, on July 26, it came time for me to depart for Afghanistan. We did everything we could to mentally prepare ourselves for the time I would be gone, and I think we did a good job. Determined to keep herself busy while I was away, Liz decided to enroll in multiple college courses, get involved in volunteer activities and hire a personal trainer to help her work on her fitness. By ensuring she did not have a moment to herself, she felt that she could better cope with me being in Afghanistan.
Liz was always independent, but focusing all of her efforts on her educational, professional and volunteer goals created a wall between us. I did my best to stay in contact, and there were stretches when we spoke on a daily basis. However, our conversations rarely lasted more than three minutes. They typically went something like this: "Hi. How are you? Everything is great. I love you. Take care. Bye." Then the call was over.
I did not want to burden her with issues I was facing, and she did not want to burden me with issues she was facing. We did not want to unduly burden each other with stressors that we could do nothing about. However, this attitude caused us to interact in a way that destroyed the level of communication we had prior to my deployment.
This went on for four months straight. While I was able to focus on my job and she was able to focus on her pursuits while not feeling alone, we were no longer communicating on anything more than a very superficial level.
I returned from Afghanistan on Dec. 9. We were both very excited to see each other, but we were both exhausted -- me from the long trip home and time zone difference, and her from working so hard on her job, education and fitness. We went out to eat a couple of times during the weekend, but I mostly slept.
The next week, I started my post-deployment leave, and Liz went right back to work. She was highly engaged in her activities, and I had next to nothing to do. This mostly suited me, because I was fried from working 12 hours a day, seven days a week for 124 continuous days. While I needed time to decompress, I did not understand why she apparently had no interest in so much as even talking to me. She was glad I was home but was busy with all the activities she began while I was away.
Things came to a head when we attended a Yellow Ribbon event Jan. 27-29 in Santa Fe, N.M. This was the seminal event that righted our relationship.
During the six weeks prior to the event, it seemed like Liz was persistently upset over everything imaginable, but she would not talk to me about anything. Because we were both busy managing our professional lives and performing military orders away from home, the time we spent together was brief. When we were together, we were so tired that neither one of us had the energy to press anything. It seemed like all of the vitality and joy in our relationship from before I went to Afghanistan was gone.
The Yellow Ribbon event forced us into a position where we were stuck with each other for approximately 72 hours straight, and we had to deal with it. At the outset, this was highly unpleasant for both of us, but it forced us to confront a serious problem in our relationship. She was angry and would not talk to me, and I was extremely frustrated over our inability to communicate. By the end of the first evening, I told her, "If we can't even talk to each other, then we don't have a relationship, and I don't want to be married anymore." Liz cried. We talked a little and then fell asleep.
The next morning was a bit rough, but our military discipline carried us to breakfast, and we attended our sessions. I don't exactly remember the sessions we attended, but we ran into 310th Space Wing Chaplain (Col.) Bob Leivers, who talked to us at the end of the scheduled lunch period. He recommended that we take some time off and just get away together, and he gave us strong encouragement.
During an afternoon session with Chaplain (Lt. Col.) Ralph Devaul of Air Force Reserve Command headquarters, Liz opened up about how she felt and why. She resented that I left her behind so soon after getting married, and she felt that she had to keep herself extremely busy to keep from feeling sad while I was gone. She grew accustomed to this lifestyle to the point that she did not know what to do with me when I got back. She felt she had to remind herself that she had a husband.
When I said I would leave her if we couldn't communicate, it forced her to re-evaluate the situation. By having the resources available at the Yellow Ribbon event in an environment isolated from distractions, we were able to confront the unresolved issues concerning my return from deployment, get counseling from several on-site chaplains and renew our commitment to each other.
Since then, our relationship continues to improve, and it's never been better. That Yellow Ribbon event back in January was what gave us the opportunity to put our marriage back on a healthy track, and we are grateful to have attended. |
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